In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. i got a screw driver thing and tried to force the switch witih t; I have a hp 2000 notebook pc and the touch pad and cursor aren`t letting me click on things but the cursor does move? How much cleaning does HE do? When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. Third, I think some disaster preparedness is good self-care for you. The sex may not dwindle, but the cuddling will. And a partner who wants to opt out of working through the bad times would worry me. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. 4. Sorry for the mix-up! Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. Soup kitchens. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. Don't let your wishes control your thoughts and feelings. I agree. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. you can do it! the whole time. "And if . (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. In the most recent invention, a group of university students in China created a kissing device that lets you make out with your partner from across the seas, country, or city. The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. When he talks to me like that, it starts to cancel out all my confidence. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. ?, I have to step back and tell myself, hes an adult and its his path to choose, the choice I get to make is whether to help him in the way he wants to be helped, or try to control things. I appreciate that you care about me, but Im good, so lets change the topic.. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. My relationships are my safe space, my place of comfort, a foundation from which to push myself off of and to come back to when the world has worn me down. And thats the thing, I guess. ' with the response You figured it out!. Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. (snort) Sounds like Mr/Ms Relationships Take Work! had filtered that phrase through the English-to-Jerklanguage translator and was interpreting it along the lines of Relationships take work, so I can totally expect Commander Banana to work on not minding about the money zie owes me never being paid back, and am hence absolved of having to do any of the work of becoming the sort of person who actually pays loans back., I wrote in to CA a little under a year ago (letter #568) and was floored when I read your letter this morning, because there was a lot of the same The Helper and the One Who Needs Help dynamic in me and my fiancs relationship at the time when it came to dealing with my anxiety and driving-related PTSD (FWIW, things are a LOT better now, although it took a few tough conversations to get him to see how messed up some of the stuff he was doing was.). My thoughts are with you, LW! Try and find the root cause of why your partner is taking it 2. He agreed it might help, and I immediately went out and got them and it did help. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. Theres no discussion or debate or simply respect for holding different views; he simply insulted your view in a way that seems designed to shut you up. ), and he usually shuts up when I tell him I dont find his comments helpful if it was all the time, every day, over every basic thing like eating dinner.. that would be more emotionally exhausting than I could deal with, and Id like to think Id be weighing up leaving as an option, although its never easy. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. Was there a specific moment where things changed, or were they gradual just something small at first but now taking up all of his time so he doesnt have any left for you anymore? Validation. Keep my mouth shut about the chips? Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. Its ok to challenge yourself sometimes and then hang out in your comfortable space! Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. So I gave him a list of things he can do to help. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. It also ties into one of the Captains ideas of spending time with your partner who has depression in the spirit of liking and wanting to spend time with them as a person, not a project. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. Yes. Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. Want to have breakfast next Saturday/Catch up by Skype or phone soon? Since it sounds like your family might not be supportive, avoid them for now, and avoid all people who tend to make you feel small or sap your energy or who have the same bossy/halping tendencies as your boyfriend. Hell yes! I hope you dont develop any new health problems, but Id personally worry about a partner who doesnt want to step up to helping you through the hard times. Ive been on both sides of the Have you eaten a food today? They are raw cookie dough and you can see the cookie and you want the cookie, but the cookie dough is just not done enough, but you really want that cookie so much and you know how much better it would be if it were finished baking.and so you are mad that they arent doing what it takes to be a cookie. If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. Sometimes its not that he doesnt want to make an effort, but rather that his life is just too busy and chaotic right now. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. And really, your joy is important. When things are at their worst, do you still make each other laugh, do you still turn to each other and see each other as someone with much to offer, do you still treat each other with affection and find pleasure in each others company? What kind of wording do you want me to use? I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Get out into nature together take a day trip, if you need to. As someone wisely said much upthread, this choice doesnt directly effect me, so it is not my business. Even when I was rebuilding my social life from zero, I was happier and more confident presenting myself as a person than as an untrustworthy and possibly unsightly appendage to another person. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. And not, like, a GOOD parent, either. All good things. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. I have found a form of exercise that it tremendously good for me: I have an exercise bike that you can hook up to a tablet and plan a route on Google Streetview. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. Your boyfriend is NOT being supportive, kind, or reasonable. Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. Work. Yo! That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. Friend, I miss you and Id love to see your face. Oh LW that dude is not being nice to you. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . Most girls take at least an hour, and then they are more than happy to make their man wait for them. Your boyfriend probably can't see any reason to change his ways: he believes that taking drugs has done him no harm and he enjoys the experience. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. Stop Trying to Fix Your Partner's Feelings Kyle Benson Instead of trying to change or fix the feelings of the person you love, focus on connecting with them. Its not a cure; its a coping skill. Here are 7 early warning signs of a controlling boyfriend who thinks he owns you. Openly and blatantly. It sounds like the bf has two other specific things he needs to work on for this to be a healthy relationship: 1. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you?'. That is some toxic logic there! In some cases, he may have been at the point where it was becoming too serious for him. And I have to say, each and every guy whos shown interest in me but has said things like Youd be a lot prettier if you exercised (I walked 3-5 miles a day because I didnt have a car) and/or who has tried to get me to do something about my apparently embarrassingly large backside (its genetic, you fucking fucks!) Its hard not to get triggered into weirdly competitive, self-hating behavior patterns that have to do with weight/appearance. If you have the energy and inclination to push yourself, get on with your bad self, but thats extra credit. He had a car and I didnt, and I didnt live near public transportation. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. Responding to specific, objective elements is reasonable, and a good way to keep score if things are getting better or worse. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. until I stop caring. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. He never mansplains, but he longsplains. I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. So far so good. And he gets a positive comment from me every time I am aware. LW, I struggle with the things you struggle with. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. Thats right, mind your own business.* Asking how it affects him could give him an opener for a feelingsdump, and I wouldnt want LW put in the position of feeling like she has to manage his feelings about what she does with her own body. Your current boyfriend sounds a bit like my first one. If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. This is sporadic enough that it hasnt become a sticking-point in our relationship (yet! Well here are some tips what to do when your boyfriends stop texting. 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