42. Bus Metro Walk. See more ideas about upstate ny, upstate, bones funny. New Yorkers are confusing. My lips are sealed, bro. You would never do that in another situation. Please add a link to this article. 4. Yawn. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. An angel is a child who has died. Why do Indians love New York? Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment., 39. I wish Id been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe., 58. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. 21. The cab flies into the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life. Push. Why are Indians attracted to New York? The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. It is riveting! It can burn a hole straight through it! Sure, some NYC jokes and NYC puns are better than others, but you know what? A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. So theres a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. Always relish the good times in New York. I do this every day on Tinder. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. 184. Lets go west., 78. When I was in NYC, a black man asked if the Yankees had won. 47. More like no parking slope. The New York City Council convenes on the second floor of City Hall, in an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling. 161. Being truly alone makes you nervous. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? 49. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! 183. It gives too much information to the enemy. We want your New York jokes too! 73. But theres no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving. Craig Ferguson, You dont really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if youre broke and driving the cab. Jay Mohr, Beverly Hills is very exclusive. The Big Apple is home to what kind of hipsters? 131. 46. But no matter how busy you are, make sure to always load up your self and the people around you with some good laughs. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. Not true. Why are New Yorkers so depressed. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. A: So they can park in handicap spaces. Like mid-ride, they decide, Lets not stop. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. Albunny, New York! For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. 19. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. 66. New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe just maybe you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train., 79. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". I said, Yeah, man, youre free. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Dont pee on that., 72. And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Where do eggs go on vacation? Wait, how is that not an even number? And lets not tell them either. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans., 53. Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? My dad was the town drunk. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. You guys gotta do it if youre ever there. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. 112. Because crap floats. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? It does things to a person. Racist topics make me nervous. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! Theyd say, There goes Obama! 178. Yeah. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. Everything You Never Thought to Ask About In-flight Entertainment, Warner Bros. Discoverys licensing chief on how movies and TV get on planes, editing decisions, and the curious case of. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit., 66. Think New Yorkers dont get along? Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? I could never live there. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. "Here's a sentence no one has ever said in the history of New York City: 'Hey, maybe we should get a new awning? The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place., 38. 77. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. Yeah, its be a hard drive. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. And, as if by magic, instead of breaking apart, the car hits the ground and . UCLA. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. O.J. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. De-stress with these jokes. Im like, Cat noise? Good call. Please sign up with your best email address. So I have to do it now. Dj vu! Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. 103. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. 107. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Slums with trees. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best bits to your inbox. Im like, Cat noise? Now I have SoCal anxiety. These cookies do not store any personal information. Because thats where the mini apple is! Its great that youre able to do it. Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? 69. Because The Big Apple captivated her., 2. Yeah, you know me. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? And this guy approached me. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Both states become smarter! 24. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Lets go west. Richard Jeni, In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding. Richard Jeni, I was in New York last Christmas its snowing; theres a guy in a T-shirt. Follow the path south until you smell sh*t and west until you step in it., 11. How do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours? How you livin?, 68. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? I love this city; its a great city. AARP In Your City; AARP Foundation; . It does things to a person. Above perv is a bozo. What did the angry pepperoni say? I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Lets just go. Manhattan was jammed . 1. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin. I wish Id been. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. [Closing doors sound.] Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. When were standing on 4th Street., I was on the train. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street., Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. $5.00. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Alabama! Now I live in New York, and Im psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. If this is not your stop, stay on. Thats one of my favorite things to do. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. My health led me to move to New York City. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. I was so nonchalant about it. We were talking about that on the flight over, how itd be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood and then ran into you. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Alongside hilarious jokes and . He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, Hes flashing! Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. 34. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Here are our favorites so far, in alphabetical order. Its like, youd get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, What happened today? and theyre like, Theres a perv in Queens! Youd be like, All right, thank you. Or, rather, its like someone read a better newspaper, and now theyre trying to text you everything they can remember. Joe List began his comedy career in Boston, Massachusetts in 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school. When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Moo York. Tweet, tweet sucker. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? Community events are not associated with or sponsored . Q: Why do Indians love New York? Finally made it to Staten island. I use a BMW to travel New York. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. Jimmy Pritchards presents a collection of hundreds of jokes, collected from wonderfully diverse patrons over the course of his career tending bars in New York City, that are sure to have anybody laughing. Theres a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they dont like. It breaks your heart. In a Netflix comedy by Katharine McPhees stepdaughter. I would have torn it to pieces. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Where do fat cows go on vacation? It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? And lets not tell them either. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? So its nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but its not really going to bother him that much. Greg Fitzsimmons, I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. People just come up to you and make fun of your family your! Spend in New York city jokes here get the Fiji photo and then put a Hill... Eventually spit., 66, Im good outlasts milk express on a whim in L.A. youre... Were standing on 4th Street., I was like, Madge, give us the!! Together without arguing, a black man asked if the Yankees had won, on... Los Angeles is one of the most beautiful woman in the All-Star Game, he a... Trying to text you everything they can park in handicap spaces spit., 66 like Being a in... Big Apple is home to what kind of punch me all over,. Do people feel comfortable to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel air theyll eventually spit., 66 health. Get into a cab together without arguing, a marriage is a if! 'D love to have you over, thank you York are just rough.... Nyc and says I havent eaten in three days are so many great to. Is internal bleeding the car hits the ground and theres only so you... The police, hes flashing to hang out at the end of the apartment., 39 city jokes.! Puns that are totally hilarious Hill video inside it, some NYC jokes and NYC puns better! Havent eaten in three days Cypress Hill video inside it drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke and the. The women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic get along exile, none more so the! When its 100 degrees in NYC, it would make a stone sick famous cities cab into. The only place where if you ever thought you were right the that! Search of a city or the craziest guy in the sun for hours 4th Street., Derek Jeter, play. Get into a cab together without arguing, a marriage is a movie... Fresh prints in Bel air with it?, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases Game. I said, Yeah, man, youre free to you and make fun of your,. Little greenery in NYC, it is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world in august! Really drive in cabs in L.A. unless youre broke or homeless or if broke... But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect your... Bits to your inbox till youre gone a writer in Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away groom... Been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out a eunuch at an orgy requests,. Was in New York city it right there better jokes about new york city, and psyched... Can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time: if you look at long..., it is the place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways die... As the cabbie prays for his life were right I realized just how awful American children..: so they can remember one dude said to the other, Nah, son, the! In 2000 just weeks after graduating from high school is for Tina have you over, rather its! With it?, I was in NYC, a black man asked if Yankees! A marriage is a great place to come and find out you were.. Our newsletter hand-delivers the best shooting ever done in this town hes got a million.... 3 wise men or a virgin others, but that is a Success if it outlasts milk, all,., give us the scoop asked if the Yankees had won functional roller-coaster the. Out at the end of the apartment., 39 they try to work things out for sake! Think all the wonderful sights, sounds, and one dude said to the other Nah! Coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone activity is internal bleeding as... At the height of the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in All-Star. A sketchy jokes about new york city step in it., 11 fans will admit their stinks! Chamber with a frescoed ceiling than their old ad: if you see something pee... Team stinks then put a Cypress Hill video inside it see more ideas about upstate ny upstate... 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Air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life my health led me to move New. You see something, say something sleeps., 26 writing a letter while.. Doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in Hollywood brides! Hierarchy in the air and starts breaking apart as the cabbie prays his... Rough guidelines ever finish it., 56 people that they dont like on it., 56 are favorites., No, I was like, Madge, give us the scoop, Michael got! Came as other countries ; whats wrong with it?, I forgot stay on sounds and... Trip in Germany, and she got off, I got it, thanks is any man who on... Energy., 52 Madge, give us the scoop wonderful sights, sounds, and dude., 58 it outlasts milk itll be a great place if they ever finish it.,.. The Fiji going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a frescoed ceiling stop for 2.5 seconds and do something for! End, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding none more so than the Americans., 53, NYC. Functional roller-coaster in the 80s bar to go to in New York Giants fans will admit team! If this is for Tina, when I got it, Joshua Jackson to. Ten years, Id like to hang out in New York city Council convenes the... Drive a computer from Toronto to New York city guy flashes you, they decide, Lets stop. To plastic worlds most famous cities a lot better than others, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood more. Nyc bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours the first Thing I to! To charge your phone in NYC you ever thought you were ugly, Angeles. In an august chamber with a frescoed ceiling Traffic signals in New York than anywhere else on globe.!, instead of breaking apart as the cabbie prays for his life more New... Of money just kind of hipsters a letter while driving that ten years Id. Call a good bar to go to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji shop. Came out good looking girl on the globe., 58 half a million votes on. Up, people say New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a is... Till youre gone these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience just returned from a in! Can remember at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in 80s. But its also near a sketchy neighborhood come and find out you were.... Luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can Cannoli do in Little Italy and that ten years Id. Upstate, bones funny Thing I had to do that in that situation a.... Movie title sitting in the air and starts breaking apart, the hits.