And you are right, regardless of anything, if she has a problem with it, he should be able to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. Have you tried just not going? Share that with your boyfriend as well. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Yes. I thought the same thing. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Or stay the whole time? The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. . A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely . The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. LW, you are not being unreasonable! I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. maybe im misunderstanding you. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? I hate having family stay over at our house. Just plan something, anything. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. So, say a family gets together every week for Sunday Dinner- you think thats dysfunctional? On the weekends he spends at You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. lets_be_honest Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. Maybe something is up with his family? You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. All Im saying is be careful. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. I like to relax at home. . I agree with the expenses. The timeline seems off here. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. . Dont go this weekend. This is how children are taught. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Blondie Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. It is what they like to do. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Im in the same situation as well. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. That was what I meant. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Two things.. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. Years later, theyve never recovered. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Thats what next times are for! Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. ?? Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Will.i.am What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. I love girls night out. 1. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Some peoples parents are just like that. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. tbrucemom Your husband loves to drink it with his dad while discussing sports. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. GatorGirl Lemongrass Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Yeah, I agree with ron. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Is this normal? What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. They arent her parents. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) So its not like every.single.weekend. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. . LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. lets_be_honest They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. GatorGirl We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. muchachaenlaventana At best, a season and a half. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! its a really exciting time for your relationship! It doesnt scream big problem to me. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. That an entire day together isnt enough? January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? I married an apron-strings boy like that. Anonymousse We were together but doing our own thing. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. 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