Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. But truly, its a secondary concern here. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. But it wont be easy. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. Oh sure, but thats why I specified business-class rooms, as in the 3.5 or 4-star Hilton/Hyatt/W Hotel, since those are the types of hotels that have attached conference/convention facilities and host large conferences. This is bound to make them curious and excited. How Do I Say No to a Vacation With My Parents? - The Cut That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. I was fine, nothing weird happened to me, but I wont stay off strip again. Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. I read books. Co-worker had a wonderful time. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. Nope. within arms range. I wonder if OPs husband has watched too much CSI? Her explanation was that she knew that the sun set around 4:15ish at that time of year and it was dark outside, therefore I should be inside. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? People buy life insurance for people they love all the time, and dont tell them to stay at home all the time to avoid the risks. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. In these instance either hes cheating, Im cheating (not happening), or one of us is crazy. I dont gamble and am not much of a drinker/partier and I thought Vegas was great! Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. Husband needs to chill, big time. I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! Its been a while, but the last time I went to Vegas, we went to a Cirque du Soleil show, did a lot of shoe shopping, and took a drive out to the hoover dam (and took a cool tour). (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) I know anxiety is a thing, but business travel can really suck- its exhausting, youre away from the comforts of home, etc., so to have your spouse making that worse is just so awful it would be a deal breaker on the relationship for me. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. Ill throw this out too just in case. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. 6. My spouse also has some anxiety issues, and will develop obsessive worries about certain irrational things. Something I would like you to keep in the back of your mind: I dont know whether your husband has anxiety or not, I dont know whether he is controlling or not. That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? As a non-gambler I found Las Vegas boring as hell. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? Agree with the high level of security even on the streets. On another note, with the amount of cameras in Vegas, kidnapping or any other untoward act would be fairly difficult if youre staying in populated areas. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. Prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas. It has beautiful trails just minutes outside the city. Im going to Vegas and thats the end of discussion. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Yeah. (Be prepared to be as fair-minded when it is your . I would have zero concerns about my husband going to Vegas without me, and I know that he would have zero concerns about me going without him. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. You dont deserve to be treated that way. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. I firmly believe in the dont be a dipshit rule of travel, and it has served me well. Its tough but definitely not impossible. Props to you for doing the hard work of managing this problem. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. Ment would not. Are we sure that survey actually happened? Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. Boundaries we a serious convo. He would be excited, even. Vegas skeezy rep is about 50 years out of date at this point. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. He can see how boring Vegas really is. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. For heavent sake dont say it to him; dont want to give him any ideas. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. Just that it could be either one. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Yeah, I had a boyfriend in college who Id started dating after being part of the same friend group as him for a long time. Gamboling is a type of frolicking around without a care in the world. At tax time we make about the same but for my emergency calls its hard to keep up. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. The tipping point came when he suggested I find my boss a girlfriend you know, so Boss wouldnt be tempted to hit on me. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over - Scary Mommy I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. If his problem is that his marriage doesnt look the way a marriage is supposed to look (and lets get real here we absolutely do NOT have enough information to be as sure as you are) then a good marriage counselor can help him to readjust his notions. My spouse travels for work all the time. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. Good luck! OMG, but the burgers there are sooo good! There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. If youre not going during SXSW or Austin City Limits, you can get hotel rooms consistently for less than $200 in Austin. Long-term meds may not be right, and often take time to work out, but theres several near-instant calming agents available and they could be the best place to start if the Vegas trip is coming up soon. My husband has been for business conferences. IMO once you start catering to this kind of thing, it does not ever get better. Meanwhile, there are fewer property crimes in my very small town than there are in hers, and we havent had a murder since the 1990s. If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. Perhaps its a typo, at first glance I thought it said wouldnt as its an awkward construction otherwise. I wish you the best. Bartending is legitimate work too. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. Its notable that he took a of survey of other people to bolster his position. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. Okay. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Wow, that is some really scummy manipulation. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. Yeah, my parents clearly decided that it was a great place to take the kids nearly 20 years ago, and it was. Because my husband trusts me. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. And actually, trips apart are GOOD for our relationship, we miss each other like crazy after the first two days and it strengthens our bonds (and snuggles) when were reunited. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. Me: Um, what now? Abusers often (successfully!) Yes. At the end of the day, the big problem with his indifference is the burden it puts on you to be the functioning adult in the relationship. Wouldnt that bother you?. with his friends, not you. I went to Vegas last year and didnt do anything Vegas-y, other than see one show. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". It's not super fun, but not a nightmare either. For example, many people have inherited cultural baggage that makes them scoff at the idea of therapy, which they think is for crazy people. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. arent at all limited to Vegas. Its probably rooted in a sexist view and I dont know who hes talking to everyone objects to their partners going because thats insane. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. Like AAM said it is mostly conference rooms and exhaustion afterword. Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Just my two cents. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. ALSO, there is nothing inherently unwholesome about prostitution OR gambling. Tell him to get over himself. If its an issue that they dont trust OP, that probably needs counseling. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general.