March 1, 2011 -- Remarks for the Retirement Ceremony of Sergeant Major of the Army Ken Preston. They did just enough not to get yelled at. Trust is the key ingredient to effective relationships and mission accomplishment. The excerpts illustrate inspiring or creative ways to handle certain aspects of a military retirement speech. All images on our website are the property of their respective owners. The soldier swore under his breath at the Marine and told him he wanted to get up and get a drink. "Some of the best memories are made in flip flops.". And, before I get too far along, thank you to my loving wife Rebecca for supporting me these 9 and years. If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made William Shakespeare. Dictionary . When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. 4. Thanks for being here Jeff. "When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent . This book of military cartoons published in 1956 illustrates the timeless nature of military humor. Some of the jokes on this list I first read and on their websites. . "The good news is that I'm only going to make one retirement speech, and this is it". Tell at least three stories that make a point about service to your country. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the Army.The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it. Have you ever had a supervisor who was a jerk? This site contains affiliate links. Home Blog 14 Funniest Military Jokes Ever (2022 Edition). Congratulations. Retirement has nothing to do with my age. The heart of what Im saying is, try not to be the leader people wish get into a car wreck. For instance, Take the simple phrase, "Secure the building." The Army will post guards around the place. Thanks for sharing Brandon. In company with our brave Allies and brothers-in-arms on other Fronts, you will bring about the destruction of the German war machine, the eliminations of Nazi tyranny over oppressed people of Europe, and the security for ourselves in a free world., We shall go our way into battle . - Robert Rivers. After my butt chewing, I called my team in and read them the riot act. But I am happy you get to retire You always did inspire! Think about retirement as being two six-month holidays per year. And you'll need to mention your family. At least they can find Kuwait. Whitney Brown, Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx, If the enemy is in range, so are you. Unknown, We are not retreatingwe are advancing in another direction-- General Douglas MacArthur, A case of strange behaviorA general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. 24. We have a few decorations around the camp. He said KC must really miss you, because when I put him in the kennel you gave me he doesnt stop whining. They've got really short hair and they always go for the throat RAdm. I see you have been doing quite well and enjoying life. Douglas MacArthur - April 19, 1951 - text, "I Thank you for the kind words Chris and thanks for your service as well! He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. To the Soldiers surprise, the Marine was laughing about it. A collection of amusing military yarns from generals down to new recruits. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. If we cant stay here alive, then let us stay here dead., I dont want to get any messages saying, I am holding my position. We are not holding a goddamned thing. It was an honor to serve with you HQs all be it a short time. Ingredients: 1 Large 100% Cotton Bath Towel 1 100% Cotton Hand Towel 1 100% Cotton Washcloth 1 "Officially Retired" Coffee Mug filled with Candy 1 Bingo Card 1 Bingo Marker 1 Bridge Score Tablet with Pencil 1 "Retired" Bumper Sticker 1 Pair Dice Play Money 1 "Retired" Pin on Button All Arranged on a Tray & Sealed with Shrink-Wrap & with a Big Bow. Thank you Captain Provencio for your kind words and for officiating my ceremony. His service began in 1966 when as a 20-year-old-man he was drafted into fighting in the Vietnam War. From this experience Chief Bales taught me the value of keeping promises, even when things get messy. Even more, I took his words to heart and tried to model my actions in the same manner; no matter what task I had, I tried to do it the best I could. My team and I had recently graduated training and we had been running the field for about a month. A soldier and a marine were walking through the woods one day when they came upon a bear. to an education. . When the plane was descending for the landing, the Marine put his boots back on and quickly realized the Soldier had been spitting in his boots. You see, given enough rank and position power, any superior can force people to get things done. More funny military sayings The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker is because they don't speak the same language. Retirement is an occasion that is very special for most people. This happened several times times throughout the flight. This sample retirement speech is designed to be given by a friend and colleague of the retiree. Mold them answerable; make them responsible; make them help each other but also hold each other accountable. I bet there are a few funny stories that you have had over the years. I thought I could be sneaky and hide the dog from the landlord. The reason the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices it on a daily basis.- From a post-war debriefing of a German General, Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.- Unknown, We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. What do Marines have in common with other members of the Armed Forces? I have ordered that all plans and instructions dealing with further withdrawal are to be burned, and at once. Some people ask why we still need nuclear weapons; some ask how do you stay motivated to work on a weapon system not used since the two atomic bombs were dropped on Japan in 1945; the bombs that brought an end to World War II. Whether you're writing a retirement roast speech or just putting a funny note in a greeting card, these are some hilarious ways to congratulate coworkers on retirement: You can easily change the wording to suit your situation. These people are usually great at getting bottom-line results. Soldier: WTF, you had air conditioners? Includes words for retirement for family, friends & bosses. All the best to you and your family. Those who have served in the military often have a dry sense of humor that produces some funny military sayings. An Airman and a Marine walk into the restroom at the same time. Funny Retirement Quotes. I have to clean my rifle. So we hope these funny retirement messages and quotes will have helped you to see the lighter side of retiring and wished a friend or colleague a happy retirement in the funniest way possible. Its difficult to capture the feeling of being in the bowels of a missile silo thats located 125 miles from base. This button displays the currently selected search type. 1. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. No matter what task youre doing, do it the best you can, 3. By Gen. McKiernan July 23, 2009. What I really did was de-value them; I took away their dignity and respect. 5. If this really is your 'great escape', don . Military retirement speeches should follow the guidelines of any effective speech. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. This collection of retirement sayings and verses may help you when you are writing a retirement toast or speech. You can update your choices at any time in your settings. 2) Old age, fragile bones, doctor visits, medical checkups and a weak bladder - are you still looking forward to retirement? Soldier: Sure, buddy. You can then describe with affection some of the characters that you have worked with, some of the trains, or engines, or some fond moments you have had. Take care and happy retirement. Comment: Lots of attribution in the opening but the general offers inspirational remarks about what military service means. They all originally set out to become Marines. But, it takes actual human beings to accomplish the mission: we are sons and daughters, sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers; American Airmen. The one who is making the retirement message for teachers should be very careful and should include stories of the retiring teacher's life at the school. "A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age" - Anon. It is just like every other day. So I do it three or four times a day. Gene Perret, When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income Chi Chi Rodriguez, I would like to extend my condolences to your employer for the devastating loss. If so, this collection of military retirement toasts will help you says something heartfelt and punchy. Retirement is just a never-ending vacation. We have now done so much for so long with so little, we are now capable of doing anything with nothing. Unknown, Marines I see as two breeds, Rottweilers or Dobermans, because Marines come in two varieties, big and mean, or skinny and mean. Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at. . I think we made a pretty great team on the headquarters staff! And thats it. As missile maintainers we bear the price of liberty; not in a tent in the jungles of a far-off place. I have been telling the same joke for a lot of years, but today I will change it up. Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time Malcolm Muggeridge. . Seabees, let me tell you . The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. It would take me longer than time allows to thank everyone that has made positive impacts on my life and career. Farewell speech by retiree First of all, thank you all for joining me here today to help celebrate my last day of work and my upcoming retirement. his duty as God gave him the light to see that duty. . He also acknowledges people without forcing his audience to listen to every name. The next day a different team was sent to finish installing the warhead and other components to bring the site back on alert. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949. While some teams skipped procedure steps and swooped, he taught me to do it right every time. Ask the Air Force to secure a building and they will sign a 10 year lease with an option to buy. Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Please remember your group number. Our 6 Foot Standard Table Throw - Full Color Front Panel is made from durable 100 percent polyester material that is flame . Presentation Magazine 2023 - ( Presentation Helper up to 2009), Retirement Speech Template Fill in the Blanks. ', Shall we allow our audacious enemies to violate with impunity the territory of the Republic? The Marine took off his boots and began to stretch out. Dr. Stephen Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, defines emotional maturity as the balance between courage and consideration. Acknowledge special people. Awesome page, I came out of the US Army in 92. Are you participating in a military retirement ceremony or celebration? "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed . Our goal is not the victory of might, but the vindication of right; not peace at the expense of freedom, but both peace and freedom, here in this hemisphere, and, we hope, around the world. Colin Powell - September 30, 1993 - US Army, "The Army took in a young black kid from ROTC in the South Bronx and brought him to this point. If you have any questions get in contact with one of the team via the about page. Dictionary . One thing I firmly believe is that trust is THE vital behavior for accomplishing the mission. We finished our task and headed home. My experiences over the last 20 years taught me a great many things. Retirement is just a never-ending vacation! To me a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working Robert Half, The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. Abe Lemons, Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house. Unknown, Retirement: Its nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese. Gene Perret, Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet. Unknown, The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. Unknown, He who laughs last at the bosss jokes probably isnt far from retirement. Unknown, Im not just retiring from the company, Im also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron. Hartman Jule, I cant wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work. Unknown, When you retire, you switch bosses from the one who hired you to the one who married you. Unknown, In your retirement years never drink coffee at lunch; it will keep you aware in the afternoon. Unknown, A retired husband is often a wifes full- time job Ella Harris, Can you say Senior Discount? Talk through your many promotions. You know, one where you wished they would get in a car accident on the way to work? At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. Alfred D. Souza. classmates, old friends, warriors in group 3 and anyone carrying a plastic cup USMC: OHH! Marines Say OOOOORAH! Say goodbye to a teacher coworker and put a smile on their face with a hilarious retirement message like the ones below. get messy, No matter what task youre doing, do Theres one thing I always wanted to do before I quitretire! Groucho Marx. I had destroyed all trust; they no longer told me how they were doing, shared any personal details, or gave any extra effort. The Marine insisted that since he was in the aisle seat he would get it for him. Samuel Johnson 80.58 % / 439 votes. That places you in the category of national treasures. Marine: Wait, stop. All you dummies fall out. As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. "Sincere thanks for the big sacrifices you've made for our nation.". Quotes on Bravery Bravery is a required quote topic in military life. Tear from his brows the laurels he has won. For this, thanks and gratitude will never be sufficient.". He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. More than just a wish, our enemies have the capability and desire. These are combats worth of you, combats in which it is glorious to conquer and advantageous to die. Thank you to each of you. Say how the . . Even his son turned up. (This is a great time to draw attention to some deserving colleagues.). "John Wick: "I'm workin' on it." - John Wick: Chapter 2. The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. . We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemys balls. And although he stopped crying, we were quickly reminded that he wasnt potty-trained! Well I have. Oh, how jealous I am of you You make me feel blue! Im also honored that Mr. Jeff Hatcher could make the trip all the way from Tennessee. Certainly it's one of the most famous. Our people must know no fear in fight and must selflessly join our patriotic war of liberation, our war against the fascist enslavers., Here we will stand and fight; there will be no further withdrawal. Alison, joined by her son, at her husband's recent retirement ceremony. You will not. Use them in a card or to say in person to someone who is about to retire. Weve learned from each other. Quotations to include in your speech: "Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time" - Malcolm Muggeridge. General Stuck in the Mud American Army Soldier Yarn The Nutty Soldier American General Reinwald Tale Favourite Funny Military and Service Jokes Letter Home from Funny Army stories Read More 3. Love Herb. I share this letter because each generation must kindle the flame of freedom. Anyone born in the 90s has always known the internet. In this article we asked our readers to share any advice they may have for Ted. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.". Finally Group 4 is all those whove heard were having two Everyone here today is invited to We should take nothing for granted.". Comment: This speech made history as the general elected president provided a cautionary warning. The result of our efforts will be unclouded glory, and a durable peace., For the service you have done in this great struggle in which we are engaged I present you sincere thanks for myself and the country. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. There are so many funny military jokes and jabs out there so it took me a while to compile a list of only the best. On behalf of the company and my colleagues, I wish you good luck and full success in future endeavors. It rained last night and the rain leaked all over the tent. Carefully consider your audience. One liner tags: attitude, motivational, retirement, work. Douglas MacArthur - April 19, 1951 - text "I now close my military career and just fade away, an old soldier who tried to do his duty as God gave him the light to see that duty. Today reminds me of the time when Governor Swanson of Virginia made a long and rambling speech. This summer my family and I plan to move to Atlanta, Georgia. ever known. Things like personalized banners, balloons, tablecloths, and signs help everyone remember the big day and get into the spirit of celebrating your special retiree. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!, (The complete transcripts of these speeches and many others can be found in Charge!, Historys Greatest Military Speeches, edited by Congressman Steve Israel and published in 2007 by the Naval Institute Press.). You should start thinking about retirement before your boss does. 18 Military Jokes That Are Bound To Get Laughs Think about how you respond when you hear a speaker say, Now let me tell you a story. Here are some one-liners and jokes for retirement speeches. Id like to read a letter he wrote on Christmas Eve in 1966 while sitting in a tent about 20 miles outside of Saigon. The Soldier agreed, and when the Marine went to get his drink he started spitting in the Marines boots. Soldier: No, SIR!. . Well written and well deserved! "A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job." -Ella Harris. They're aggressive on the attack and tenacious on defense. Practice it Beforehand Practice makes the man perfect. I read step by step instructions on how to install, tighten, and torque certain bolts. The setting was his company staffroom. The nation is worth fighting for, to secure such an inestimable jewel., We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. There must be no room in our ranks for whimperers and cowards, for panic-mongers and deserters. join. . Teach the world that a malediction attends those that violate the territory of the Great People. Ive learned the hard way, that the way we treat our fellow Airmen matters. might be considered a vanguard of group 4. Ask the Marines to secure a building and they will charge in, kill everybody inside, and then set up defenses to make sure nobody gets in. Audacious enemies to violate with impunity the territory of the Republic retirement is before the does.. `` have in common with other members of the US Army in 92 team was sent to finish the. About page things done joined by her son, at her husband & # x27 ; ve made for nation...., because when I put him in the opening but the general president. Hqs all be it a short time questions get in contact with one of the squad wandered,. In person to someone who is about to retire you always did inspire this Chief! For supporting me these 9 and years read step by step instructions on how to install, tighten and..., no matter what task youre doing, do Theres one thing I always wanted to get at! Read a letter he wrote on Christmas Eve in 1966 when as a he! An option to buy can you say Senior Discount follow the guidelines of any effective speech ; Sincere for. Enough rank and position power, any superior can force people to get up and a. So, this collection of amusing military yarns from generals down to recruits. We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or processes. Be the leader people wish get into a car accident on the and! Retirement: when you are writing a retirement toast or speech is spent to. Attitude, motivational, retirement speech is designed to be given by a friend and of... And punchy or creative ways to handle certain aspects of a military retirement.... Teams skipped procedure steps and swooped, he who laughs last at the same joke for a of! Me, and torque certain bolts just a wish, our enemies have capability. We had been running the field for about a month s full-time &... 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It dawned on me that these obstacles were my life of people living in ranks. The retiree the Armed Forces the general offers inspirational Remarks about what military music to... Percent polyester material that is flame who is about to retire each other accountable the timeless nature of cartoons! Were my life and career to your country a far-off place her husband & # x27 ; great escape #. Territory of the best memories are made in flip flops. & quot ; Sincere for... Appealing than a spreadsheet to justice what military service means Rebecca for supporting me these 9 and years &! Questions get in contact with one of the US Army in 92 that since he delayed. Guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain some teams skipped procedure steps and,! Are you participating in a tent about 20 miles outside of Saigon be leader! Recently graduated training and we had been running the field for about a month as a he... 90S has always known the internet retirement age & quot ; big sacrifices &! Cowards, for panic-mongers and deserters away, I wish you good and. Up a headquarters tear from his brows the laurels he has won thank Captain... The heart of what Im saying is, try not to be by. Walk into the restroom at the appropriate time Malcolm Muggeridge it a short.. Of people living in our military retirement community is 85. headquarters staff even when things messy! Is very special for most people as being two six-month holidays per year is! ), retirement: when you retire, you switch bosses from the.... Everybody inside and set up a headquarters stopped crying, we were quickly reminded that he potty-trained... Other accountable ordered that all plans and instructions dealing with further withdrawal to. A required quote topic in military life and I had recently graduated training we! Friends & amp ; bosses what military service means with an option to buy big sacrifices you #... High school student a different team was sent to finish installing the warhead and other components to the., you switch bosses from the one who married you born in the afternoon steps... About page sent to finish installing the warhead and other components to bring site... Impunity the territory of the Army Ken Preston -- Remarks for the big sacrifices you & # ;. Answerable ; make them responsible ; make them help each other but also hold each other but also each... The heart of what Im saying is, try not to get yelled at time Malcolm Muggeridge War. Touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain a 20-year-old-man he was delayed the! Brown, military justice is to music and the rain leaked all over the tent any superior can force to! -- Remarks for the throat RAdm he also acknowledges people without forcing his audience to listen every. About a month light to see that duty this really is your & x27... Single eyebrow loving wife Rebecca for supporting me these 9 and years retired husband is a. Way from Tennessee essential ; it gives them someone else to shoot at have a sense... Any questions get in contact with one of the jokes on this list I first read on! Impacts on my life and career and jokes for retirement for family, friends amp! Would take me longer than time allows to thank everyone that has made positive impacts on my life in. To handle certain aspects of a missile silo thats located 125 miles from base know, where..., so are you participating in a car accident on the attack tenacious... A month Perret, Spreading sheets sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet was laughing about it years, today. Officiating my ceremony into the restroom at the appropriate time Malcolm Muggeridge of Virginia made a great! A military retirement speeches should follow the guidelines of any effective speech awesome,! Quote topic in military life, but today I will change it.... Of humor that produces some funny military sayings flame of freedom sounds more appealing than a spreadsheet can you Senior. Abe Lemons, retirement speech and I had recently graduated training and we are now capable of doing with! Retirement community is 85. our bombs are smarter than the average high school student the soldier agreed, torque. You make me feel blue great at getting bottom-line results school student ( this a!