The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Put bluntly, shes flat out disrespecting you. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Answer: Join Slate Plus. I cant stand to read baby announcements. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. Advice Column Collection. You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Youre not raising him with unrealistic or sexist views about love if you dont discourage him in his adoration of Kaylie. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. What should I do? It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. I dont want them to see me as a burden. Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. And how do we support him as he struggles? Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband and . One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? I can say this honestly and without bias. How do I get my parents to divorce? But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. Photo illustration by Slate. Its anonymous! I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. It will be! My daughter is beautiful. How can I comfort my siblings when Im as scared as they are? Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Theres no percentage in arguing with them about it. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. You said that he would do anything for you and your kids, right? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! I have two beautiful daughters. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Dear Care and Feeding, We have a fourth grader who is generally an easy kid, well-behaved, and really fun. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? (Questions may be edited for publication.). The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. Or dinosaurs. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. However, she is much stricter with him in what we feel is not an age-appropriate manner, and she doesnt deny treating him differently. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Photo illustration by Slate. I spent my whole childhood walking on eggshells to not piss him off. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Uh, No Thanks. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. You know she loves you, dont you? Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. Parenting advice on boundaries, new grandparents, and marital trouble. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. That certainly applies here. I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Uh, No Thanks. He refused to get reading glasses for nearly 10 years because theyre an old person thing (which was weird because like many old people he is farsighted, but so is my youngest sister who also wears glasses). I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. Hopefully, the kids will learn to ignore their mothers claims about you. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. Have a question for Care and Feeding? If you repeatedly ask him to stop using hurtful and/or inappropriate language and he persists, yes, you can and absolutely should set some consequences. Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time. Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. Ill wait. All rights reserved. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, The Backstory Will Give You Pause. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. How do we gently shut this down if it comes down to it? (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. New ones are published almost daily. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. She has been accepted at four universities and has it narrowed down to two. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. 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